All play and no work makes me a very stupid girl.

I'm so ready for graduation! D: Seriously.

So following a day of humiliation and being violently ill, I am pleased to announce that I received my acceptance letter this evening!

I'll get back to everyone's comments soon. I've had a rough week.

I hate the word diet with a passion but in this instance I cannot help but use it because that is truly what it is. :| I start my "diet" on Tuesday. It will follow Dr. Simeon's "Pounds and Inches" program which requires a daily injection and only 500 calories of a specified group of food for 28 days, then a three week maintenance period. Mom has four days left into the first part of the program and has lost 24 pounds; strictly fat. She did a LOT of cheating though.

I'm excited about starting the program but a little apprehensive. I've got quite the sweet tooth and it is the holiday season after all. I thoroughly believe everyone deserves a cheat day every once in a while, so I'm aiming to have one for Thanksgiving and that's all. No more. Trying to argue with my grandmother about not eating is a major no-no.

I'm hoping I can get back down to 130 - 140 range. I thought I was "fat" when I weighed 136. 167 pounds is so much worse! I feel so uncomfortable. I have two pairs of jeans that still fit and I feel like an elephant in public. My grandparents remarked that I look nicer with "meat on my bones." I don't feel nicer, especially when my mother has said she doesn't want me to be too big for prom or graduation. Thanks. That's really encouraging.

For a little bit of history- I developed a very poor relationship with food starting at the age of eleven. I'd go days on end without eating, or eating little to none. I would often peck at my food until it got cold so I could throw it out. Or feed it to the cat. I didn't want food. I didn't like food. I thought I didn't need food. Losing weight got me compliments. Family remarked I had lost my baby fat and I was growing up. I wouldn't be an ugly duckling forever after all. Aside from my mother, they don't know about all the trips to the hospital that were made because I got so sick.

That all lasted until my sophomore year of highschool. My great grandmother starved to death in the hospital: she had Alzheimer's. I didn't know. She died March 5. Nine days short of my sixteenth birthday. A month and a half after I promised her I would come spend a week with her for Mardi Gras after seeing her the first time in two years. I watched her cry that day and felt awful. The cat she had for 18 years was dead. My Aunt Reggie, her sister, had died. None of us ever called or stopped by. The last time I got to see her, she was emaciated and couldn't speak. She cried throughout the night and all I could do then was tell her I loved her and hold her hand. I'll never know if she understood, or if she ever forgave me. To some, it may seem strange, but after all that, I knew I couldn't keep doing what I was to my body. I was stupid and selfish. Not only that, but I knew she wouldn't approve. I felt guilty.

I still have a weird relationship with food, but I eat and I'm going to continue doing so. I'm going to dig myself out of this hole though, too. I want a nicer body, inside and out. I'm going to be healthy.

I finally went to McNeese today to turn in my application. David had to coax me out of bed after I stopped crying because I was so afraid I wouldn't be admitted because I didn't bring up my ACT score up in Math. I still have an 18 in math. I need a 19. My first composite score was a 24, it dropped to a 23 this time. Fuck. I spoke to one of the women in the admissions office and she took all that I had and even called to ask what my chances at a scholarship are with needing a remedial course. They're awarded on a competitive basis so we'll see. I should get something considering my GPA, class rank, my activities, and all the AP courses I am and have already taken. I'm still really worried though.

I tried painting again the other night with some acyrlics. I tossed it out. I'll try again with watercolors this time. I suppose. I'm hoping I can get a really nice set for Christmas. :)

I'm going to RenFest this weekend, as well. :)

I have wasted an entire day/night dicking around on the internet instead of completing my coursework. :|

The only successful thing I did was cook french toast and not burn it. Speaking of, I really need to stop eating junk, even if it is the only thing we have here. I've gained a lot of weight and I really want to lose it. I need motivation and I may have got it tonight. David and his coworkers were discussing "stick thin" and "thick" girl(friends). One coworker thought I was "stick thin with no ass." He asked another coworker what I looked like and obviously I'm no where near thin and I have a "bit to me." This was obviously a compliment but I feel like a lard ass. Awesome.

On a more positive note, I'm thinking about selling my guitar for a cello. I played a bit of violin in 8th grade but I always preferred the cello. I'll have the opportunity to either teach myself or seek lessons in college, so why not? I'm really bad when it comes to sticking with a particular musical instrument we'll though, so hopefully I'll be able to find one second hand. Either that, or I can just get rid of my acoustic all together and save the money. Yeah, right.

The phoenix holds a lot of meaning to me, and thus was my first tattoo. I had it planned out for a year or so and my mother took me this July to have it done. It needs to be touched up and as much as I once hated tribal tattoos, I feel that this one is fitting.

I am soft, delicate, and bold.

I need to stop lurking on LJ and post more often.

School is going well enough. I've let my AP Psychology assignments snowball and I currently can't be bothered to catch up with them. I've been working on my portfolio and filling out scholarship information so I guess it's okay since I'm being slightly productive. I should have a few shoots lined up for the Thanksgiving break.

My grandfather called this morning and asked if I'd like to go with him and my grandmother to San Antonio for Christmas. My aunt lives there with her husband and two children and I haven't seen her in about ten years much less met her kiddos yet. I've never been to San Antonio either and we will be there December 23 - 27, but I'm sure it'll be fun. David was a little disappointed when I told him but we'll spend New Years together, I hope. I want hot chocolate, kisses, and fireworks for New Years. Mhm.

I also need to start thinking about gifts for Christmas and whatnot. My crafty DIY inventions are usually well received, as long as I refrain from being a perfectionist. I can't tell you how many gifts I've thrown out because I thought they weren't good enough. Same goes with 98% of my paintings, too.

There isn't any level of not caring that I haven't covered in the last month.

and show everyone what lurks underneath.